DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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