Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
