im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
