You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
What a dumb baby whore.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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