if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
