Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
