So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
