Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
