the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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