Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
