I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
