she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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