The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I want her autograph on my taint
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
