I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
