I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
