The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
