dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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