Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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