Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize