and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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