By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
