I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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