Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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