Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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