Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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