I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
