Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
this beer tastes like vomit already
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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