I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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