jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
