Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
