I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
