Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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