I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
