I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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