Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Barsexuality is the new black.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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