No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Everyone says I win the strip club
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
