I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
