explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
