So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
cat food counts as protein by the way
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
