I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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