you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
