I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You smell like stripper and shame
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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