Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
