i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
