I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
