I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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