Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
