I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
