You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
