Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
