I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
