Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
