you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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