Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
