i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
