Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
