He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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