ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
