one word: firstdatebathroomanal
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
