he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
