i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
