I'm so fucking centered right now
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
