i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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